Probe me God: A reflection on Psalm 139

Truly you have formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mothers womb.  I give you thanks that I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

What a beautiful Psalm!  These words inspire me in true wonder and awe of the Lord, and with great gratitude and appreciation of the creation of each and every person.  It was read on the Solemnity of the Nativity of Saint John the Baptist, who proclaimed a baptism of repentance, and this post is looking at Psalm 139 through the eyes of John. We are often so deformed in sin that we need to hear the words of the prophet anew, and understand how deep this hope of renewal goes. And, I don't know about you, but I need the humility to remember that, yes I am good because I have been created in His image and likeness, but I am also fallen.  I don't want to live easy with my sinfulness, it is destroying me.  I want my hope and my regeneration to begin today.  It is easy to affirm someone who is deeply enmeshed in degrading sin as a child of God, and then leave them there, but when the shame bubbles up again, unless that individual has a higher and stronger faith, he or she may simple be affirmed to sit in death's shadow.

  At the birth of his son Zachariah breaks out with a spirit-filled canticle:

"And you, child, will be called prophet of the Most High, for you will go before the Lord to prepare his ways, to give his people knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of  their sins, because of the tender mercy of our God by which the daybreak from on high will visit us, to shine on those who sit in darkness and death's shadow" Luke 1:76-79

I, who have been made so wonderfully, and with such a high destiny, I am often mired in darkness of sin, and cowering in the deathly shadow of guilt.  So,even if I know that I am a wonderful creation in the image and likeness of God, still I am overwhelmed by the devastation that is wrought by sin and concupiscence in my soul. I am stalked by past guilt, hurt and rejections.  I am put down by current tendencies to envy and tenacious false identities. And the calloused and dark wounds in my heart quietly prompt deep suspicions that subtly corrupt my motives!  How can I ever recover?  And I live in a time that is both highly judgmental on a superficial level, yet very complacent about enduring with those who struggle with truly devastating sin, and the dark shame and anger that hide with it. I need to deepen my shallow hopes in redemption.  Each one of us needs to encourage others to allow the Lord to probe us deeply, again and again. We need to be humble so we can let the Spirit blow into the god forsaken areas of our souls.

So here is the rest of the Psalm above:

Psalm 139:2-16;23

You know when I sit and stand; you understand my thoughts from afar. My travels and my rest you mark; with all my ways you are familiar. Even before a word is on my tongue, Lord you know it all. Behind and before you encircle me and rest your hand upon me. Such knowledge is beyond me, far too lofty for me to reach. Where can I hide from your spirit? From your presence where can I flee? If I ascend to the heavens, you are there; if I lie down in Sheol, you are there too. If I fly with the wings of dawn and alight beyond the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand hold me fast. If I say, "Surely darkness shall hide me, and night shall be my light" Darkness is not dark for you and night shines as the day, Darkness and light are but one. You formed my inmost being; you knot me in my mother's womb. I praise you, so wonderful you made me; wonderful are your works. My very self you knew; my bones are not hidden from you, When I was being made in secret, fashioned as in the depths of the earth. You saw me unformed......Probe me, God, know my heart; try me, know my concerns. See if my way is crooked then lead me in the ancient path."

Awhile ago I was meditating on this passage during my Adoration hour, I was praying about a situation that had recently been in the news in which God's great mercy and healing seemed to be missing.  It was a situation in which a lonely, rejected individual committed a ghastly crime.  This young man who eventually took his own life was filled with rage and contempt for himself, and for a society that offered him so little in terms of transcendence and ultimate hope that his existence was not merely an accident.  I began to think about the many, many people who are lost in the darkness of sin, or weighed down by terrible shame, yet even in our mostly Christian culture, seem to be without hope of redemption.  Many of these people struggle with relating to others, sometimes as a result of inborn tendencies, or from traumas that were not of their making.  They are isolated, lonely and filled with a hopeless rage.   I looked back at my journal where I quoted the first lines of the Psalm:  You know when I sit and stand; you understand my thoughts from afar. My travels and my rest you mark; with all my ways you are familiar. Even before a word is on my tongue, Lord you know it all.  Beside it wrote: "really?  WHERE ARE YOU!"  next to it.  After that I had scribbled a line from the Matt Maher song, You Were On The Cross:

"Where were you when sin stole my innocence?
Where were you when I was ashamed?

 Hiding in a life I wish I'd never made"

It is hard for anyone to wholeheartedly believe that the Lord cares "when I sit and when I stand" or that "I am wonderfully made", when we are acutely aware of how little our souls resembles the high dignity and glory they were created for.  And in the case I was praying about this young man knew how deformed he was, but he had no hope of being reformed because he had no hope that he was created by God and that God willed him to be reformed.  It is even harder in our cynical times of superficial love and sentimental catch phrases to awaken a sense of repentance that is more than just self pity!  And there are still many who are in darkness and in death's shadow, unaware that the tender mercy of our God can and will penetrate anything. We are the ones who need to make them aware, we need to pray for the daybreak from on high to break out upon them, wherever they are!  We are to follow in the footsteps of the Baptist!


The Psalm now begins to whisper to me:  Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand! Repent, for the powers that would enslave you have no power over Him. Repent, for God has never left you; though it may be too dark for you to see Him, He sees you. His hand is upon you! Do not be too proud to allow Him to show you your darkest sins, they are not dark to Him. He knows what they have done to you. Do not be afraid to reveal your most depraved desires or your most wretched fears, he is greater and stronger than any of them.  He can retrieve you from the Sheol in your soul that imprisons you.  Do not be afraid of the chaos sin has stirred up, for His Spirit is with you, encircling you and His mighty wind blows over the dark and formless wastelands in each of our souls, reforming and renewing them. Repent, for the kingdom is at hand!  His light will illuminate the way.

Then I underlined the last line, as a daily prayer for myself, and for many others who do not yet know to pray it. "Probe me, God, know my heart; try me, know my concerns. See if my way is crooked then lead me in the ancient path." 

 

  Here is the refrain to You Were On The Cross, the song quoted above:

You were on the cross.
You were there in all of my suffering,
You were there in doubt and in fear,
I am waiting on the dawn to reappear.

Go out and en-kindle a hope that salvation and reformation are at hand; a hope that no one is an accident or beyond His tender mercy; a hope that is beyond all the sorrows of this world!

Peace and grace,
Heidi

Talitha Koum

Today's reading contains a phrase of Jesus that is never far from my mind, I even named this blog after it:

Mark 5:35-43
While he was still speaking, people from the synagogue official's house arrived and said, "Your daughter has died; why trouble the master any longer?"  

I don't know about you, but in my spiritual life, and in other areas as well, there are many initiatives that I have been drawn to, but failed to pursue because there are these voices that always whispers "who do you think you are? or "Everyone thinks that you are a fool" " you will fail, yet again" or the complacent: "what is the use and what does it matter?" and so on.  I am a coward, really, and prone to take no action rather than to risk failure or rejection so I let those voices speak, without much prayer and reflection on my part.  I began to feel the call to write a blog, and for a few years fell back into that old pattern.

"Disregarding the message that was reported, Jesus said the the synagogue official, "Do not be afraid; just have faith."

How many times, when I have allowed those voices to jabber on in my head (maybe even through the advice of others) have I missed hearing these words of Jesus?  In fact, I have failed to listen for His voice because all at once my soul is barraged with conflicting emotions.  A whirlwind of prideful self indignation, self loathing, complacency and and self justification undermine my confidence and stoke envy and jealousy.  Deadly! And it feeds the original fear that prevented me from waiting on the Lord for his saving response.

If you recall, while Jesus was on his way to Jairus's house he was held up by the woman with hemorrhages.  Jairus is in a panic, his daughter is dying, and Jesus tarries on the way.  I can hear the competing voices already in my soul if I were Jairus:  "Why would he do this to me?  I was here first! Does he not care about my family?  Does he not care about me?  Why should someone else come first?" These thoughts are stirred up versus: "Who do you think you are to presume that Jesus should rush to your aid when there are so many others who have waited longer and who are much, much needier.  Jesus does not love selfish people." Do you see the tug of war, can you feel the anxious whirlwind being stirred up?  Can you see where resentment can infest a soul if there is not time for reflection?  Can you understand how no action can seem to be the safest course?

In my cowardly heart, I often think it is better to not even try than to be rebuffed, or to fail or to work or to succeed and have no one notice or care.  If only in these moments I stop and reflect, open my heart and soul and listen; "Do not be afraid; just have faith."  Jesus does indeed stop and see to another's desperate needs along the way, but He has not forgotten about the sick little girl, he has not spurned nor resented the request of Jairus. He is not bothered by it.  He works according to a plan of eternity, and I think that if I am always so easily stirred up in anxiety and envy I will never be fit for eternity, I will never muster the courage that I need to be holy! And Jesus desires for me and for you to be holy, to dare to strive for sanctity!

"He did not allow anyone to accompany him inside except Peter, James and John the brother of James.  When they arrived at the house of the synagogue official, he caught sight of the commotion, people weeping and wailing loudly.  So he went in and said to them, 'Why this commotion and weeping?  The child is not dead but asleep.'  And they ridiculed him.  Then he put them all out.  He took along the child's father and mother and those who were with him and entered the room where the child was."

Jesus does not want me to be at the mercy of the voices (internal or from real people) that ridicule my desire for Him and my trust in Him. Voices that laugh at you for even thinking about developing a deep and intimate relationship with Him.  He allows me to wait on Him at times, to strengthen my trust and deepen my desire  for His life within me.  And in those moments of waiting I will call on Him to calm the commotion of fear, envy, self-condemnation and self-justification.  He will put out those voices of ridicule, but He will also draw forth from me strength and courage.  He will awaken me from my complacency.

He took the girl by the hand and said to her, 'Talitha koum,'  which means, 'Little girl, I say to you arise!"

That is why I named this blog Talitha Koum. I read countless other blogs that are better in so many ways, and I am very tempted to say "who cares and what is the use?" still am called.  I had to push past all the inner voices that tell me that this is a pointless enterprise, others have been there, done that and I have nothing new or better to add.  This may all be true, but I am still called.   I have to continue to seek the Lord in sending the naysayers away (these are mainly my own fears) and renewing the call.   I have to be completely humble about my talents or lack of them and whether or not any one actually cares to read a word I write, yet bold enough to respond to His call in my heart. I respond, write and hit publish and let it go, for what ever purpose He has in mind, even if it is only to just draw me closer to Him by developing a trusting  and a listening heart to bring to my family and those I encounter outside of cyberspace!  And when the fear in my heart rises up I wait on Him because He always comes and whispers "Talitha Koum."

I don't know why, but this song comes to mind as I am finishing this post so I thought that I would share it!  It is by Matt Maher and it is called The Spirit and the Bride:
 "For every daughter whose never heard she's beautiful , let everyone who hears these words come!  For the Spirit and the Bride say come!"

Peace and Grace, Heidi